Hysterical Heights Hospital Episode 2: "The Great Cacti Calamity"
INT. HYSTERICAL HEIGHTS MEDICAL CENTER - DAY
[Theme music plays, accompanied by a montage of various hospital scenes featuring the hospital staff in silly situations, all ending with the same patient, MR. MORTIMER, dying in a new, absurd way each time.]
EPISODE 2: "The Great Cacti Calamity"
[DR. FUMBLE, still as clumsy as ever, stumbles into MR. MORTIMER's hospital room, accidentally breaking a potted plant in the process. MR. MORTIMER lies in bed, covered in cactus needles, wincing in pain.]
DR. FUMBLE
(crashing into the room)
Mortimer! Back again? What happened this time?
MR. MORTIMER
(grimacing)
Doc, I just wanted to try gardening... but I accidentally fell into a cactus patch!
NURSE NUTTY enters, her uniform covered in cactus needles, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
NURSE NUTTY
(pulling needles out of her uniform)
Dr. Fumble, we need to remove these needles before Mortimer develops a severe case of Cactitis!
DR. FUMBLE
(concerned)
Right you are, Nurse Nutty! But how do we remove all these needles?
NURSE NUTTY
(looking at the vacuum cleaner)
I have an idea!
[NURSE NUTTY plugs in the vacuum cleaner and proceeds to vacuum the cactus needles off of MR. MORTIMER, who yelps in pain with each needle removed.]
MR. MORTIMER
(squirming)
Ouch! That's smarts!
DR. FUMBLE
(wincing)
Hang in there, Mortimer! We're almost done.
[Just as the last cactus needle is removed, a large gust of wind blows through the open window, carrying a flurry of cactus needles that stick to everyone in the room, including MR. MORTIMER.]
NURSE NUTTY
(astonished)
Oh no! It's a cactus needle tornado!
DR. FUMBLE
(determined)
We must protect the hospital! Nurse Nutty, get the emergency duct tape!
[NURSE NUTTY and DR. FUMBLE begin taping the window shut, while simultaneously pulling the needles out of their bodies. Meanwhile, MR. MORTIMER tries to shield himself from the needles with his pillow.]
MR. MORTIMER
(panicking)
Doc! I can't breathe! I think I'm developing Cactitis!
[MR. MORTIMER's face begins to swell, resembling a cactus. DR. FUMBLE and NURSE NUTTY rush to his side.]
DR. FUMBLE
(worried)
Oh no! Mortimer, don't you dare die on us now!
NURSE NUTTY
(looking around frantically)
Wait, I've got it! We'll fight cacti with aloe!
[NURSE NUTTY grabs an aloe plant from the windowsill and starts rubbing the leaves on MR. MORTIMER's face. His swelling subsides, but suddenly, a rogue cactus needle flies through the air and lands in his heart.]
MR. MORTIMER
(gasping)
Doc... I think... this is the end...
[MR. MORTIMER dies as the hospital staff look on, devastated.]
DR. FUMBLE
(tearfully)
We were so close... again.
NURSE NUTTY
(sadly)
Poor Mortimer... At least he's one with nature now.
[The camera pans out as the hospital staff gather in the room, mourning MR. MORTIMER's death, while "Desert Rose" by Sting plays softly in the background.]
FADE OUT.